I'm so sorry I hurt you. The things I did was unimaginable. I became what I had been running from my WHOLE life. An emotional unavailable Mom. I did the very thing I said I would never do, I killed your spirit. It hurts my heart to see you go through what you are going through at this point. My lack of patience when you were little caused you to not be able to keep a job, not follow through on your dreams and regret parts of your childhood. My busy schedule has caused you so much trauma. How was I supposed to know that those times I was buried in my phone and kept telling you to “hold on” would lead to you looking for a specific type of love in all the wrong places? If I would have been more aware of my lack of time for you, I would have worked harder. Truth be told I knew deep down that you needed me but I felt like I had more time to give you ONCE I was done scrolling through emails and social media. All of those things could have waited.
You yearned for a small piece of my time but I was too busy going nowhere fast. I'm so sorry Baby. I look at how I failed you as your mother. I would preach about being the best but my actions didn't add up because I was so focused on building an empire and I was tearing our bond down brick by brick. That hurts just to think about it. I use to tell people I do not regret any mistake I have made in my life. Well, now I do. I regret not Momming it at my greatest potential for such a beautiful soul like you. I am so sorry Baby. Emotionally we were growing apart and I didn't even know it. How could I have not known it? I carried you and bonded with you for 7 months. I guess it didn't matter so much when life started to happen. You were born to be great and I messed that up for you by not being emotionally, mentally and physically available to you. My patience would run thin after all the building of the Empire in business. When it was time for you I had nothing to give.
How do I make this right? Is it too late? I always told you I wanted you to be a better version of me. All the while most of the version of me I'm displaying is emotionally unhealthy. I remember when you would be in a playful mood and I would be so tired that I had nothing to give. I would be so irritated with you and couldn’t even enjoy those beautiful moments with you smiling and laughing, just enjoying life. Mostly because I haven't dealt with my hurt and my pain. I've shut down and it's causing a domino effect right down to you. Now I look at what I've created a better version of me, yeah now you're even more emotionally unavailable. I did the very thing I said I didn't want to do create a piss poor generational curse that wreaked of self-sabotage and generational pain. How could I have done this to the most beautiful human being in the world?
This is so unfair to you. If I could do it all over again I would. I would set aside time for us and show you that I'm building for us not just me. I beg of you please be better than me. Deal with your issues head on. Do not ignore them. Do not bury them as if they will get better, because they won’t. Once you recognize what your issues are get the help you need to fix them Nookin So. Please don’t be like Mommy and work so hard and not live your best life. Change your lifestyle to reflect the spirit God created in you not the one I crushed and man created. I love you so much and I apologize for not practicing what I preached with you, the one thing I had to get right. Being your mom!
Okay I know most of you all are thinking “What, what happened to #TheGiftOfGabbs?”. Nothing she’s absolutely fine. She’s still the best. However, this is the letter I would have had to write to her if I didn’t change my parenting. I notice the things I needed to change and I am working so hard on changing them to avoid this type of “Dear Gabby” letter. As parents sometimes we know what we need to do to be better and we are lazy, unequipped or afraid of making that change. Who does this really benefit? Definitely not the child. It only causes an issue for them and the people they encounter in life. I cannot bare to think that Gabby will one day say “If my mom was just...then I would…” Now I know I won’t get everything right. The things I know I need to change I have to work hard to do that. It is my responsibility as her parent to right my wrongs in raising her. Even if I have to get outside help in doing that.
Here are some things that I have worked on and how I did it:
My time with her: I schedule our time in my phone just like I schedule everything else. I know that sounds so Hollywood, but a schedule will help me to not have anything to do when I’m suppose to spend time with her. Our time is MANDATORY!
My patience: I explain to Gabby the kind of day I am having and ask her to bare with me. I am open and honest with her about how I’m feeling and how adulting can be a bit stressful. She then shows understanding and gives me a second to get myself together. Her understanding of my frustrations helps me to slow down and have a little more patience.
We can get help for everything else but never stop to think that if I need help with parenting. Or maybe some of you want help but your ego won’t allow you to do that. Meaning your persona of having motherhood altogether will be revealed once you cry out for help. Man listen, I am screaming to the top of my lungs for help with raising my precious baby before I help her turn into a rebel with my shit. Nope, I call on God and everyone else who can help. When I say I need the village, I am not screaming it to sound cute. We put limits on the village because we don’t want to hurt our child with discipline. That’s insane. If the village can pick up where I lack, show me how so I can be better.
Until next time, here’s another chance to Mommed It Again!