It's all my fault!!
A kiss is what normally sealed the deal when my Husband and I would part ways. Now it seems as if that only triggers heartache an anger. The part that baffles me is I can see myself doing this but I can't stop the emotion. It's certainly an outer body experience that scares the hell out of me. I remember day dreaming for me was just a stare into space not really thinking of anything of importance. These days my day dream is me looking at me suffer through this healing process. Yes I said healing. Even though this type of condition doesn't seem to provide healing, it feels like it could cause issues with the people I love the most; Black and Gabby. Let me explain the different anxiety I'm experiencing with them and how I recognize I can get out of this.
Sending Gabby off with her Dad on the weekends always brought an ounce of sadness and then I would get over it because I knew she was coming right back to me. Since we lost the baby now it makes me scared and I feel extremely sad about her absence. She brings me comfort. She cares for me. She gives me attention even if I don't show her I need it. Why would I want her to leave me? How did this anxiety get so bad? I mean it's to the point where I am stuck in the bathroom because I'm so anxious about her departure. This past weekend I literally squeezed her so hard and wept on her little shoulders. Gabby doesn't understand what I'm going through and I really don't want to burden her little 7 year old mind with this. To be honest she's still dealing with the fact the her cousins and friends Mommies having babies and we lost ours. I can't share this information with her, not right now. She's smart and strong but it's only so much her little mind can handle. The thing I decided I will do to help with separation anxiety is spend a little more time with her so I don't feel like we didn't have enough time together. So when I work, she will work with me. She's always loved that and to be honest it feels good. Also, when it is time for her to go instead of a big embracing hug we will keep it at our Eskimo kisses.
Now about my Husband. Lawd Geezuz! This one is super tough because this one is not as emotional and I can see myself being clingy and WANTING to stop but it's like the anxiety says "No keep going". When he leaves the house and doesnt come back at the time he said he would the enemy begins to play on me because he knows I'm vulnerable and this would be the perfect time to try and disrupt our marriage. He hates that we are happily married and are so FREE with each other. It is his ultimate duty to tear us apart. I begin to hear things like "How dare him not be here on time", "He could have at least called to say he was going to be 30 minutes behind", "Why is he taking so long to text you back, it's been 10 minutes", "He's changing he use to check in with you" and the list of petty chants go on. I know this is the enemy because my Husband would never leave the house knowing how this anxiety is taking over me and NOT check on me. One of the most important things I have learned about this is the act of not expressing how you feel is NOT the answer. You can not expect them to know how you are feeling. Silence and walking around with an attitude will only make things get out of hand. Truth to be told they are still dealing with the loss, it's just in a different way. So even if it's "I don't know how I feel, but it's not good" say that so they know SOMETHING is wrong. To me all this this translates as the enemy working hard to destroy us. If I can see me doing this and I want to stop then I can. It's a matter of praying and letting my Husband know that I am under attack so that he can work just as hard to help me win this battle. Also, if you are anything like me, you will operate as if everything is okay building businesses etc so now everyone thinks you are dealing with the grieving process good, WRONG. I have good days and not so good days. We HAVE to use our voice. It's powerful and can change EVERYTHING! I challenge you today to use your voice and defeat that separation anxiety with speaking out about it and having your family help you get through it. Tell them so they can help you get through it. It may not go away at that momentt but at least people know so now we can pray and get it off our backs. Writing ALWAYS helps me. Try it!
In closing (lmsao I've always wanted to say that) It is NOT your fault if you speak up! It's HEALING TIME!!
Until next time, keep Momming it!